Crazy Things
by Lynn Jones
Summary: What crazy thing could you imagine your favorite Bot/Con doing? well, let's just see, shall we? crack fic. chapter three: Jazz finds a cat.
1. Chasing Dogs

**This is from one of the Transfan quizzes (about favorite TFs) that I have on my profile. The question was What crazy thing could you imagine your favorite Decepticon(s) doing? My answer: Chasing dogs. Just for fun. Either of them. And my favorite cons are Ravage and Blitzwing. **

**This is what came to mind as I was typing that answer.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

Ravage lay in wait, ready to pounce, ready to spring…ready to exact revenge. His feline form made him empathetic toward those organic felines he often saw being chased by those evil canines that humans liked to keep as pets. Dogs, he remembered. The humans called them dogs. All his years fighting Autobots, all the time he had spent on Earth, and he had never been free to avenge his fellow felines.

Now, today, Ravage would have his revenge. All he had to do was pick a dog…

Blitzwing stepped out of the alley he had been hiding in and into a deserted street. He was picking up a Decepticon signal, close by and getting closer, moving quickly. In fact, if it stayed on course, the source of that signal should be coming down the street in about a minute and a half…

A large, shaggy brown dog raced past, yelping hysterically. Behind it came a sleek black feline shape – a _metal, Cybertronian_ sleek black feline shape. Dog and mechanical jaguar tore off down the street without noticing the triple-changer.

"Now what could Ravage possibly gain by chasing a dog?" Icy Blitzwing wondered idly.

"Who cares? I vill crush zem both!" shouted Angry Blitzwing.

"Whoo-hoo-hoo! Let's join in!" cried Crazy Blitzwing.

Prowl remained perfectly still as he watch the strange scene unfold right before his optics. He was perched in a tree in the park and had been meditating and watching the wildlife…until _this_ happened. Whatever _this_ was supposed to be.

A large brown dog was racing in circles around the thick trunk of a neighboring tree. A large mechanical jaguar – the Decepticon called ravage, if Prowl wasn't mistaken – appeared to be chasing the dog, hissing furiously. But that wasn't the strangest part. No, the strangest part was that Blitzwing was on all fours, chasing Ravage as ravage chased the dog.

"Fascinating," Prowl murmured to himself.

** Well, what does everyone think? Too random? Not random enough? Just the right amount of random? Review! Or you might be the next thing ravage chases! XD**

** If you send me your favorite TF & what crazy thing you could see them doing, I'll post it as a chapter in this fanfic!**


	2. Lip Singing

**This one is from tfaprowlxsawyer: Bumblebee lip singing a heavy metal song. This is Animated, just so everybody knows. Also, just so everyone knows, I don't really listen to any sort of rock or metal music, so I got the song suggestion from Shenron1146.**

**Italics are song lyrics!**

**warning: song contains one swear word**

**Disclaimer: I own neither the characters nor the song!**

Everything was fairly quiet in the Autobot base. The bots were mostly out on patrol…except for Bumblebee. He had recently discovered 'heavy metal' music. He figured this would fit him and the other Autobots perfectly, since most of them – especially the larger members of the team – were heavy, and all of them were metal. There was even a song called "The Metal".

Which Bumblebee had discovered as well…which was why the base was suddenly full of loud heavy metal music. The base shook with the volume, and one of the people driving past the base called the police department to complain.

Within a few minutes, Captain Fanzone had arrived to deal with the noise pollution complaint. He stormed into the building – having recognized it as the Autobots' base – and followed the eardrum-crushing sounds to Bumblebee's quarters. The sight that met his eyes nearly made him faint with shock. Only the firm belief that police captains should not faint on the job kept him from doing so.

Because not only was there loud music playing, but the smallest Autobot, Bumblebee, was wearing what appeared to be a rock star Halloween costume, complete with a fake electric guitar. He was darting around the room, dancing and pretending to play the guitar and moving his mouth along with the words:

_You can't kill the metal_  
_The metal will live on_  
_Punk-Rock tried to kill the metal_  
_But they failed, as they were smite to the ground_  
_New-wave tried to kill the metal_  
_But they failed, as they were stricken down to the ground_  
_Grunge tried to kill the metal Ha,hahahahaha_  
_They failed, as they were thrown to the ground_  
_Aargh! yeah!_

_You can't kill the metal_  
_The metal will live on_  
_Punk-Rock tried to kill the metal_  
_But they failed, as they were smite to the ground_  
_New-wave tried to kill the metal_  
_But they failed, as they were stricken down to the ground_  
_Grunge tried to kill the metal Ha,hahahahaha_  
_They failed, as they were thrown to the ground_  
_Aargh! yeah!_

_No-one can destroy the metal_  
_The metal will strike you down with a vicious blow_  
_We are the vanquished foes of the metal_  
_We tried to win for why we do not know_

_New-wave tried to destroy the metal, but the metal had its way_  
_Grunge then tried to dethrone the metal, but metal was in the way_  
_Punk-rock tried to destroy the metal, but metal was much too strong_  
_Techno tried to defile the metal, but techno was proven wrong_  
_Yea!_

_Metal!_  
_It comes from hell!_

Fanzone hurriedly wrote out a noise pollution ticket, stuck it where the others would be sure to find it, and fled.

A few hours later, after the other Autobots returned to the base, Optimus was watching the news, wondering why there was a teaser for a story on noise pollution tied to the Autobots, when Sari came bouncing in.

"Guess what, Optimus?" Sari squealed. "I just found this awesome video on YouTube! Do you know where Bumblebee is?" Optimus glanced at her.

"No, why? What video?" he asked.

"It's Bumblebee lip singing! All dressed up and everything!" Sari exclaimed. "I think he must have posted it himself! It's awesome! And there's only one bad word in the whole song!" Optimus leaped up.

"What? Bumblebee was singing a song with a bad word in it?" he shouted. Sari frowned.

"It was only one word, Optimus, and he wasn't actually singing; he was lip singing, moving his mouth so it looks like he was singing. Anyway, have you seen him?" she babbled. Optimus scowled.

"No, but I'm going to fix that right away. BUMBLEBEE!" he bellowed. The little yellow bot came dashing in.

"Hey, Prime. There's something on my back. Can you get it off?" Bumblebee asked, turning around. Optimus pulled the slip of paper off and read it. "What is it?" Bee demanded. "And who put it on my back?" Optimus whirled on the little yellow mech.

"You have a fine for noise pollution," he snarled. Bumblebee blinked.

"What?" he caught sight of Prime's expression and gulped. "Uh-oh. It must have been when I was making that YouTube video…" he mumbled.


	3. Finding a Cat

**Okay, this is a suggestion from T'Reilani: Jazz finding a cat.**

Jazz was miserable. He hated patrolling when it was like this – cold, dark, wet, and lonely. He didn't mind patrols even in the worst of weather as long as there was someone else to share his misery with…but when he was on a solo patrol, well, everything seemed twice as bad.

And that was before the cat showed up.

The yowling ball of sopping-wet feline flung itself in front of his alt mode as he drove along a small back road near the Autobot base. He let out a yell and swerved to avoid turning the cat into a furry pancake on the road. He skidded – slag these damp, muddy roads to the Pit! – and landed in the gutter.

"Ow," he muttered, transforming to climb out of the strangely deep gutter. Then the same yowling ball of soaking-wet and fighting-mad feline threw itself into his face. Jazz let out another yell and fell back into the ditch. The cat screeched – maybe in fear, maybe in triumph – and Jazz screeched too, in surprise. "What the slag?" he yelped.

The cat started to fall off his face and dug its claws in to stay up out of the mud that filled the ditch – and Jazz's circuits, he realized miserably. He winced as those claws dug into his jaw – since when did cats have claws that sharp?

"Jazz, right? What are you doing to that poor cat?" Jazz screeched again – he hadn't heard anyone approach! He leaped up, finally dislodging the cat from its clawed-out perch on his face, and found himself facing…Ravage.

"Primus! Another cat!" Jazz screamed. Ravage tilted his head. The cat who had been clawing Jazz scampered over to the feline-like Decepticon and huddled under his belly.

"Oh, shut up and answer the question. What did you do to this poor cat?" the black Decepticon demanded. The cat spat at jazz from its new shelter underneath Ravage.

"Nothing! It jumped out in front of me!" Jazz protested. The cat suddenly flew out from under Ravage and right at Jazz again. The Cyber-ninja leaped backwards with a scream as high-pitched as any femme and tripped, landing in the gutter again. The cat hopped neatly up onto Jazz's shoulder. Where it began purring. That scared the cyber-ninja almost as much as the yowling and clawing had.

"Well, she looks like she's taken to you. You should adopt her," Ravage suggested.

"What? NO!" Jazz snapped. Ravage sharpened his claws on the road.

"I wasn't actually _suggesting_ you adopt her. I was ordering. Take care of the cat or I'll shred you! After all, she is carrying," Ravage added with a strange glint in his red optics. Then he vanished. Jazz looked at the cat on his shoulder, who was still purring.

"Carrying?" he repeated. "That doesn't mean the same thing for organics as it does for femmes, does it?" But Ravage was gone. "Carrying?" Jazz shrieked. The cat woke up and hissed, digging her claws into his shoulder.

Jazz could tell this was going to be a long, painful acquaintance.

**Okay, so, maybe not as funny as some other people's crack fics, but it was fun to write. Maybe I should do a follow-up? Maybe make this its own little fic? What does everyone think?**


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